Have you picked up today’s issue of The Stale Mess? 

If you didn’t, here’s what you’re missing:

Hard-hitting, investigative journalism: 

ASU announced a plan to curb the ever-growing population of stray cats that lurk around the Tempe campus by introducing them into Pitchforks’ dining menu.

Insightful opinion:

Mark Brockman fills you in on why it’s so much better to be a bro: “What else are you gonna be, a hipster? What are those, your sister’s pants, dude?  Hipsters shouldn’t even be allowed on campus. Except for hipster chicks. Girls with tattoos are so hot.”

Sports features:

Vontaze Burfict and former ASU football coach Dennis Erickson race each other in a 40-yard dash. “I was in a 40 against Vontaze?” Erickson asked with wide eyes. “I was just trying to get to the Hometown Buffet — it’s puddin’ day.”